Circular Reasoning: Lily's Diary
by knowregrets
Summary: Companion piece to Circular Reasoning, a time travel fic, but stands on it's own. Extracts from Lily's diary for the six weeks that Ginny was back in 1977. How Lily and Ginny became friends. Marauders, JPLE, GWHP implied COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1: Week 1

A/N

_This is a companion story to Circular Reasoning. Hopefully it will stand, more or less, on its own as a story but it might help if you know the premise of CR first so here is a basic summary: near the beginning of Ginny Weasley's sixth year at Hogwarts, a Hogwarts decimated by the events of the previous year, an accident sends her back, twenty years, in time. To the time when the Marauders ruled the school and for six short weeks a redheaded sixth former, Jennifer West from New Zealand, attended Hogwarts. _

_It has occurred to me that there was more than one story there. Circular Reasoning is Ginny's story. This is Lily's. I don't want to repeat too much of the CR story, so this is Lily's diary of those six weeks. _

_None of this belongs to me._

**Chapter one: Week One**

**Sunday 30th October 1977**

I wish I were like other girls. I wish I had personified my diary, had a conversation with it, and started each entry "Dear Diary". I wish I thought of this diary as a friend but I don't. I used to be proud to be different. I used to think other girls were silly, pathetic really. I didn't need to have an imaginary friend in my diary. I wrote it because I wanted to keep my memories, for me, for the future. But today, today I really wish I were more like other girls.

Yesterday was horrible. I don't want to keep my memories of yesterday but I know I'll regret it if I don't. In a strange way I kind of feel I need to write it down – get it out of my system. Seeing it on paper might make it somehow less scary. I don't see how it can make it worse. Trouble is, I don't know where to begin. I guess it starts with what Dumbledore said last summer. He warned me that some people wouldn't be happy that a muggle-born student was Head Girl at Hogwarts, that if I accepted I might make myself a target for those who wanted to get at him. I listened to him but I didn't really believe it, not deep inside. I read back on my diary entry and it is mostly full of speculation about who might be Head Boy – like I need to have worried about that given the circumstances.

Anyway, yesterday was a Hogsmeade day. I met up with James to wander into town and caught a glimpse of Sirius' face. He (S) didn't look too happy and it occurred to me that J has hardly spent any time with them recently, what with being Head Boy and, well, me. So I told him I wanted to do some girly stuff and that I'd meet him later in the 3Bs. He seemed happy about the arrangement and I know the others were. Remus gave me a look like he knew what I'd done and why I'd done it and was grateful.

Problem was, the girls either wanted to do very girly things (so not me) or they were meeting their boyfriends in Madam P's. So I ended up wandering Hogsmeade alone and bored. I guess I wandered too far from the beaten track, heading to that rare books shop on the edge of the village, when suddenly I was surrounded by Them – his supporters – Death Eaters. They disarmed me, shockingly easily. But I didn't have time to realise the full direness of my situation because this stranger, a girl about 16, started cursing them and before they even realised she was there, two of them were down. How pathetic a show I put on in comparison. The girl retrieved my wand and gave it to me – I think I was still in shock but at least I managed to react a little better. One of the Death Eaters attacked the girl but I didn't notice straight away as the other two attacked me. Somehow, I managed to put one of them out of action and the other slowed down a moment. I rushed to the girl, she had managed to drop the Death Eater who had attacked her with some sort of hex I'd never seen before and together we ran. But the last Death Eater threw some sort of curse at us from behind.

I blacked out to screaming all around. When I woke up it was in the hospital wing at Hogwarts. J was there, by my bed, holding my hand. If you have to wake up in the hospital wing at Hogwarts, there are worse ways to wake up than with your gorgeous Head Boy boyfriend holding your hand. I told Professor Dumbledore what had happened. It seemed no one knew the girl at all. She was still unconscious. Apparently she had been hurt worse than me during the fight and it was likely to take her longer to recover.

She's still unconscious today. She woke up briefly, according to Professor Dumbledore, but is unlikely to wake more fully for another day or so. I've been up to see her but Madam Pomfrey shooed me out. She saved my life and she's in the hospital wing unconscious because of it. And I don't even know her name. That's odd, really it is, because no one seems to know her name.

This is quite a long diary entry I know but it's Halloween tomorrow so I doubt I'll write a thing then!

**Tuesday 1st November**

The girls name, apparently, is Jenny Weston. She is a transfer student from New Zealand. It seems a bit odd because the other day Dumbledore seemed to know nothing about her but today he is acting like she was expected.

Anyway, Jenny seems very nice. She is just 16 but obviously really good at hexing. She has been sorted into Gryffindor – not a surprise since she doesn't lack for bravery. I tried to thank her for saving my life but she seemed really embarrassed. I suppose that's not a surprise. I guess I'd be embarrassed if it were the other way around – not that it would be, as I don't think I'm brave enough. On Saturday I just wanted to run away but she ran into the fight.

She seems very quiet and shy though. I don't think her old school can have been anywhere near as big as Hogwarts because she seemed a bit overwhelmed by meeting all the 6th and 7th year Gryffindors. Actually I suppose it can't be – there aren't nearly as many people in New Zealand as over here so I expect the wizarding world is much smaller too. Perhaps I'll ask her about that.

I'm feeling terribly guilty about being pleased she has gone up to the sixth form dorms. It's hard to be grateful to someone – to owe someone your life. I'm not sure what to do about this feeling and a part of me, an awful part of me that I don't like at all, wishes that she was somewhere other than here. I'm going to have to face her every day, knowing that if it weren't for her I wouldn't be here. But these are truly dreadful feelings and I must get over them. She is a very nice girl and I'm going to make friends with her. It's decided. I've decided.

**Wednesday 2nd November**

Oh Severus Snape is foul! I know I've said it before but he is. This is the only place I'll ever say it though. Oh I know James and the others have bullied him which was really wrong of them (and I haven't been shy of saying it) but that is still no excuse for his behaviour. At breakfast this morning he came over to our table and started making snide comments to Remus about W. I could feel J beside me getting ready to jump into the fray so I grabbed his arm – it wouldn't do for the Head Boy to be seen brawling in public. As it turned out there was no problem though because of Jenny.

Yes that new, quite and shy, 6th year hexing demon, Jenny Weston. She doesn't even know about R and his W thing – how can she, she has been here for less than a day (been here conscious that is)? But she jumped up anyway and told Snape that she knew this really nice W and that he (Snape) was a, how did she put it? A "greasy piece of human wreckage". Quite an astute summary for a mere 2 minutes acquaintance.

The boys all think she is fantastic now of course – like saving my life was "yeah ta very much and all that" but telling Snape off at breakfast was the best thing she could ever have done. To be fair J did look a bit embarrassed when I pointed that out. R looked apologetic and S grinned and stuck his tongue out at me. P just looked confused.

**Thursday 3rd November**

James really is a good kisser. Just thought I'd mention it although I've probably said so before. Ah, yes apparently I mentioned that in my diary entries for 25th September and on the 8th, 19th and 23rd October. Must be true then. And it is nice being adored. It's just that, sometimes … I don't know really. I'm just being stupid I think I'll go to bed now. To sleep, perchance to dream of moonlight kisses, hazel eyes behind round glasses and messy black hair. I don't see the rub in that at all.


	2. Chapter 2: Week 2

_A/N _

_These are extracts from Lily's diary entries. Lily puts a lot of information in her diary of a more (polite cough) intimate nature but these are irrelevant to the story and have been removed, as has some (although not all!) of the rambling._

**Chapter two: Week Two**

**Saturday 5th November**

I was hoping to talk a bit to Jenny today but she seems to be avoiding me. Actually, that's unfair, she seems to be avoiding everybody. She says she has a lot of schoolwork to catch up on because her school wasn't at the same place but most of the sixth years say she seems well up with her classes.

I was talking with Alice this afternoon (side note, why do I find the sixth year girls so much better company than my fellow seventh years? My year never used to be so awful – until they discovered boys properly in the fourth year and started going all stupid half the time). A is a nice girl and missing Frank madly – but she isn't boy crazy, I mean it's not like F is the only thing she ever thinks about.

We were talking about the situation out there with You-Know-Who. A is really scared for F, training to be an Auror, but she is proud of him too. He really is brave for becoming an Auror in these times, but these sorts of times are when we most need Aurors – and there aren't enough of them. Last Saturday showed that. F was there last Saturday. He'd had the day off and come to visit A in Hogsmeade but got pulled back on duty when the Death Eaters attacked me. Well not when they attacked but when it was noticed if you see what I mean. Actually, according to A, They were sat in the 3Bs when they heard screaming and F ran outside straight away. She followed him and when she caught up with him he told her to round up all the younger students and send them back to school. Apparently she roped in James etc to help her.

It was Frank who managed to arrest one of the Death Eaters. Unfortunately, that was before the other Aurors arrived, so F was tied up with controlling the Death Eater he arrested while the others apparated away. Apparently he was feeling a bit bad about that as he thought he should have been able to get more of them but I told A that I thought that even arresting one was pretty good for someone at the beginning of their first year in Auror training.

I've been thinking about what I wrote last Thursday – about James. J doesn't seem to take anything seriously. I know I shouldn't compare him and F; J is still at school and everything but I remember F last year. He was always so serious, almost humourless at times (although A says that he is actually very funny he just doesn't shine in company which I can completely understand) so they are very different people. But it's like F knew what he wanted to do – he always seemed like he knew. I only heard him mentioning being an Auror last year but when he said it, it seemed so natural. And even before, you knew F was going to do something. J seems like he doesn't really care that much about anything except having fun.

Oh I sound like an awful girlfriend. I do care about J and he adores me – actually he is the most attentive boyfriend anyone could ever wish for and A says he was really worried about me last Saturday and she practically had to order him to help her get the younger students back to the castle because there was nothing that he could do for me once Madam Pomfrey arrived. Oh and J has grown up such a lot in the last year or so. He no longer hexes people for fun and he is so much less arrogant – actually, underneath all the arrogance, he is a really nice person. And I have fun with him. I can't see me breaking up with him at the moment but somehow I can't see a future in it either. Oh why am I worrying about the future at the moment anyway? I should just have fun and when I think of J, just think about the kissing.

Oh, semi-related but not really note: Sirius Black needs to get himself a proper girlfriend – he can't just keep flirting with all and sundry, every time he turns those big grey eyes on a girl she just melts into his arms and he treats them abominably! He needs to start seeing some girl as a person not just some female he can snog! That poor little fifth year Hufflepuff today! Grr. Rant over.

**Sunday 6th November**

Today was a lovely day. You'd think, being November, it would be horrible and rainy outside but it wasn't. I mean it wasn't summer hot (not even normal summer hot since the last two summers were hot way and beyond normal) but it was definitely more early autumn feeling than it should have been. I sat chatting to Remus and Peter for a bit while James practiced quidditch with the Gryffindor team. I can't believe I've only really got to know the boys this year. I always thought they were so arrogant and stupid – well I guess they were the arrogant part (J anyway). But they are actually really nice people. And certainly better conversationalists than the 7th year girls at the moment – for supposedly intelligent girls Carly and Rhia have been acting so stupidly and all Margie cares about these days is her Ravenclaw boyfriend.

Got a letter from Mum this morning. Apparently Petunia is "going steady" now, Mum and Dad have met him and mum thinks he's going to "pop the question" soon. She's dropping huge hints about my boyfriend and meeting him and stuff but I don't know. I can't really see it, James Potter meets the Evans family – what a potential for disaster.

I said yesterday that the new girl Jenny was avoiding people. Today the sixth years seem to have taken that in hand and they virtually mobbed her at lunchtime today. She looked dreadfully uncomfortable actually. She obviously misses her friends and her old school a lot and I don't think it helped when they kept asking her questions. I had a chat with James and said that I thought we should be friendly to her but not ask her too many questions. We both agreed that there was something odd about some of the things she had said but that we should just let her have her privacy – after all she did save my life.

**Monday 7th November**

Today has been a slightly odd but in a kind of good way I suppose except with some scary news sort of day. OK I know that sentence didn't make that much sense, it's my diary not an English essay, I'm not striving for perfection here.

James told me that he, Remus and Peter walked into the funniest scene in the common room this morning. Jenny was stood on a stool behind Sirius – apparently she had been tutoring him in the Patronus charm. Side note – a sixth year girl who can not only produce a corporal Patronus but can do one well enough to tutor someone in it – and this is the girl who has to bury herself in homework to catch up? I don't think so. Anyway apparently S had managed a corporal Patronus (winged horse according to James) but when S and Jenny realised that J and the others were there, Jenny fell off the stool and S caught her in his arms.

They then just stood there for ages while the others laughed at them. It sounded like Jenny was really embarrassed and I told J off for laughing at them but it does sound funny. Especially because J says that he wasn't sure but thought it might have been S who knocked the girl off the stool in the first place. He said that S acted really embarrassed later on – like he actually likes the girl not like his normal behaviour with, oh I don't know, like practically every girl in the school.

Dinner this evening, S grabbed Jenny and pulled her down to sit with us. I was a bit nervous that the boys were going to do the questioning thing that the sixth years had done yesterday but J had already had a word (he told me later). Turns out that Jenny has about as much respect for this year's sacrificial victim (otherwise known as the DADA professor) as the rest of us. He has been driving me crazy in lessons about the Death Eater "duel" as he puts it, I've just told him I can't remember a thing so he shuts up. But he hasn't let her get away with that. Idiot (him not her). Apparently she snapped at him today and lost us 20 points (would have been worth it James says). But McGonagall heard us talking and gave Jenny 20 points for returning the wand she deliberately dropped. First time I've ever seen McGonagall favour us. Strongly suspect that she dislikes Featherstonehaugh as much as the rest of us. It was kind of funny actually. The boys thought it brilliant.

Even though she is quite shy I suspect Jenny has a wicked sense of humour. We seemed to get on quite well at dinner. Sometimes you just feel a connection with a person. I hadn't realised it before as I haven't spent much time with her but by the end of dinner I was forgetting about being embarrassed over her saving my life and beginning to think that we might become friends. I hope so. I get the feeling that perhaps she needs a friend right now. She had this haunted look in her eyes a couple of times. I don't know what that's about but if she wants us to know she'll tell us I suppose.

I was chatting with Berenice after dinner, we're partnered for charms at the moment and she's a little stuffy (well she is a Ravenclaw) but she's all right really. She was telling me that, according to her Dad (who works in the Ministry) the Daily Prophet isn't reporting half the attacks that are happening at the moment. It sounds really scary out there. There must be people doing something mustn't there?

Gosh this has been a fairly long diary entry for me for a Monday – especially considering I haven't even mentioned James much or kissing at all. Talking of which …

**Tuesday 8th November**

James said that he walked with Jenny back to the common room last night. Apparently she has a boyfriend in New Zealand, well a sort of boyfriend because they aren't really seeing each other any more. This Harvey bloke, James thinks, is the reason she seems so miserable half the time. Apparently he's doing something dangerous – she didn't say what.

She looked dreadful at breakfast this morning. Alice said that she thought Jenny had had nightmares and not much sleep and that Madam Pomfrey had excused her from classes for the day. I feel really sorry for her and have determined that, while she is here, I'm going to be her friend. I think the boys have done the same.

**Thursday 10th November**

Jenny's definitely avoiding us again. By us I mean everybody. I don't know what to do. I know she is hurting in some way and I want to be her friend but every time I make an effort, and we seem to get along, she seems to like me but it just makes things worse again. The boys are the same. Sirius tried to get her to come with us all this evening but she said she had catching up to do from Tuesday. It was obviously a lie but we didn't challenge it.

It was quite a nice evening, although Carly seems to have decided she is in love with Sirius, which is so stupid and irritating. S loves the attention of course, although it's hardly anything new for him. If she really wanted him she wouldn't do what every other girl does and just throw herself at him – all that will get her is a snog and maybe a quick fumble in the bushes until the next girl comes along. I'm sure I've said this before but when exactly did she get so stupid? We were great friends when we first started Hogwarts but it seems that her brains dribbled out of her ears with the onset of puberty. It's not just me who thinks so. Berenice was saying the other day that all the other seventh year Gryffindors (apart from me) seemed completely girly and nuts. Perhaps I should have been in Ravenclaw with her – I still wonder why I'm not, even after all this time. I don't think I'm particularly brave though I really admire people who are.

Actually, perhaps that's it. Perhaps you don't get put in the house where you have the qualities that it prizes; perhaps you get put in the house where you prize the same qualities? Cleverness, books etc, it's not that I don't admire them, it's just that it's so easy – anyone can read a book and learn how to do a spell. What I admire, what I envy, what I would like to have even though I don't think I do is bravery. Interesting thought. Well interesting to me and since this is my diary and I'm the only one who is ever going to read it I'm the only one for whom it matters what's in these pages!


	3. Chapter 3: Week 3

**Chapter Three: Week Three **

**Saturday 12th November**

OK I don't think it is "totally weird" to be worried about NEWTS in November the exams are not that far away – five months isn't a long time when you think about it. Nor do I think that just because I want to study on the occasional Saturday (in my final year mind you) that makes me a "fun-sucker" whatever that's supposed to be. Nor does deciding to take one day to actually do some studying mean that I'm panicking. I am not panicking. Just because I care about my exams, unlike some people. I don't intend to live on my parent's money – my parents can't afford it. Some of us don't come from centuries' old rich pureblood families. Unlike a certain boyfriend (soon to be ex-boyfriend if he keeps up this attitude).

There. Said it. Stupid idiot boy. Fine, he can go play on his broomstick with his idiot friends, see if I care. I have work to do.

**Sunday 13th November**

OK maybe I was panicking a bit yesterday. And I suppose five months isn't like the NEWTS are next week but I do think that it is probably sensible to do some studying now. Thing is, James doesn't really need to. He just seems to coast. Am I jealous? Probably.

Apparently the boys persuaded Jenny to join them in Quidditch yesterday. James was boasting about how good she was – telling her he wished she'd been here early enough to try out for a chaser position. I kind of felt a bit jealous of that too – oh not of Jenny and James, I know he is crazy about me (crazier than I am about him truthfully) but I've never been able to play Quidditch well. I don't get the sport really, another thing James and I don't have in common.

I'm a bit down today really. Dumbledore spoke to me earlier and told me that I had definitely been targeted two weeks ago; it wasn't just a random attack on a Hogwarts student. I haven't told James. I haven't told anyone. Thing is James is good for the fun times. He is the perfect person to have a laugh with, he keeps everyone amused. But I'm not sure he has ever really been serious in his life.

**Tuesday 15th November**

Had a really long chat with Jenny today. She told me a bit about Harvey – her kind-of unofficial boyfriend. She says he looks a bit like James but is very different in personality. He sounds really brave and, well, heroic which sounds such a silly and girly thing to say but isn't really. With the latest Death Eater attacks (three muggle-borns were killed yesterday) we need heroes – people who are willing to fight for what is right. A bit like Jenny herself. She doesn't see it that way but its true.

She knows stuff. It's hard to explain but it seems to me she sometimes looks as if she knows too much she doesn't want to know. Remus said she looks at people sometimes as if she thinks they have a terminal illness. That sounds a bit dramatic for Remus and he was sort of joking but he did say it and I sort of know what he means in some way.

She's been flirting with Sirius a bit and I teased her a little about it but it's kind of obvious that, no matter how attractive she thinks he is, no one is going to replace Harvey (although I think both Sirius and Remus would like to sometimes!).

**Wednesday 16th November**

I'm getting a bit worried about my family. In the paper this morning there was a story about the number of Muggles killed by Death Eaters this year and there were 12 of them who were related to muggle-born witches and wizards. 12. My family are not going to be able to protect themselves if someone comes after them – no Muggle could. I tried to talk to McGonagall about it but when I knocked on her office door she said she was busy and could it wait. I think Jenny was in there.

So I talked to James. He surprised me actually. I thought he'd be all dismissive, sort of "Don't worry about it Lils let's snog" but he wasn't. He was really nice actually. Seems he does have a serious side after all – despite all evidence to the contrary. OK that's unfair. I know he can be serious, I just didn't realise he could be so understanding.

He really did seem to understand. He talked to me about a friend of his father's, J's Godfather actually. He was an Auror and he was murdered last year. I didn't know about that and it made me feel kind of ashamed about some of the things I have been thinking about J. He obviously loved his Godfather and misses him very much. It got me thinking. I wonder if J's joking around is all just a front? If he always acts the fool because he is scared about what is going on.

And he really is a good kisser – or have I mentioned that before?

I saw Jenny later in the common room. She looked as if she had been crying. I hope she's OK, she didn't seem to want to talk about it – in fact she seemed determined to have a good time and was laughing and joking with some of the sixth year boys. Her laughter seemed a bit strained but it was laughter.

**Thursday 17th November**

More Death Eater attacks in the paper today. It seems like every day there are more incidents. It has gradually taken over as a main topic of conversation at our end of the Gryffindor table. Our end consists of most of the sixth and seventh years, a few of the fifth years and one or two of the younger students. We're a mixed bunch in all, some pure-bloods, some half-bloods and some, like me, Muggle-borns. Except today we found out something a little closer to home was going on.

Snape has been foul recently. Most of his Slytherin friends were older than him and have left now so he has developed a little gang of cronies from the lower forms of which he is the leader. Benjy says they follow him because some of his friends are Death Eaters. I was a bit surprised by that to be honest but I guess that makes sense knowing some of their personalities. Jenny said she wasn't surprised and though she hadn't met any of Snape's friends she knew that many Slytherins had become Death Eaters on leaving school – some because they believed in it, and some simply because it was easier. I was a bit surprised by that but she said that it was just like bullying but on a larger scale – people join in with bullies because it is easier than getting picked on themselves.

It was a really good point and one of the fourth years had been listening to our conversation, then said something that worried us all, simply because it was so close to home. She said she thought Snape's new little gang have been bullying the Muggle-born first and second years quite badly and that she thought it might be developing into a serious problem. When she first said it it was almost a relief – this is a thing we can do something about. We didn't realise that it would be so bad.

Alice said she was going to talk to the younger Gryffindors about it and did I, as Head Girl, want to come along and I said of course and why don't we talk to Berenice and get the Ravenclaws involved? Alice said she knew Charlie Pickering, a Hufflepuff prefect, quite well because they sat together in Herbology and she'd ask him about his lot as well. All in all we managed to round up all the Muggle-born first and second years and most of the others in our three houses. No one suggested, given the topic, inviting any of the Slytherins although I feel a bit guilty about that – after all, they are not all bad, they can't be. So anyway we tried to keep it unofficial by not having all the prefects and by telling James (well, by me telling James anyway) not to come. I think if it had been official we might have found it hard to avoid inviting the Slytherins.

The poor little things seemed quite scared to be called into a meeting with some of the prefects and the Head Girl. But we reassured them they weren't in trouble, and started to try and get them to talk to us. It was hard at first; I think a lot of them were scared about what would happen if they said anything. But once one of them spoke up, they all started to. Every single one of the Muggle-borns has been bullied – most have both been called the M word and hexed at various points. One poor first year boy had been physically or magically attacked seventeen times this term – seventeen! It's only been 10 weeks. He said he had been thinking about not coming back after Christmas but he hated to do it as he thought that was what they wanted. Alice couldn't help it I think, she gave the boy a big hug and told him that he must come back. He was a little embarrassed but I think he quite liked it – he looked like he was trying not to cry actually. I hadn't realised it could possibly be getting so bad – this is Hogwarts! And all of the others had a story to tell about seeing or hearing something.

Snape hasn't been involved himself. As Charlie (who I didn't really know before but I quite like now) pointed out Snape probably wouldn't get his own hands dirty if he could help it. But we have enough evidence against five Slytherin students now to take action. We've told all the younger students that if anything else happens to come to one of us, or to any other prefect in their own houses (or to James of course) and that we would sort it out. That we would all keep an eye out but if we didn't see it, to come to us as soon as they could. After we had reported the stories to McGonagall (her face – she was absolutely fuming and I have no doubt she will take serious action) I went back to the common room and told James. The other three boys were there and all seemed horrified that all this had been going on without our knowing about it. Sirius started to swear revenge on Snape but, as I pointed out, he hadn't done anything personally so there was little we could do. I don't think Sirius was convinced about that to be honest and I wouldn't like to be in Snape's shoes when Sirius does catch up with him. In the end I just told S not to do anything that I would have to get him in trouble for, and to think carefully about who else he was putting at risk.

I think that slowed him down somewhat and he looked at Remus guiltily. I don't know exactly what S did to Snape last year but I do know something happened and that Snape now knows about what J calls R's "furry little problem". I wouldn't trust Snape with any knowledge like that and R is on tenterhooks whenever Snape is near.

Oh God, just thought: Slug Club tomorrow night – I wonder if I can avoid? I really don't think I can face Snape and be civil at the moment.

P.S. I've just had a late night emergency meeting with Dumbledore, the Heads of Houses and J about the bullying of the younger Muggle-born students. To be fair even Slughorn looked appalled at the extent of the problem and ashamed that it was his own house doing the bullying. It looks like they are going to be taking some swift action. J and I said that none of the prefects had had a clue that things were like this but that we would all be keeping an eye out now.

**Friday 18th November**

Two of the students have been expelled and will only be allowed to come back if they can provide evidence that they truly regret their actions! Hooray! The other three are all in detentions for a month. Slytherin has lost 250 points. Snape is walking around like the rug has been pulled straight out from under him. Hooray again! Slughorn is in a vicious mood and every time one of the Slytherins put a foot out of line today he has practically screamed at them about bringing dishonour to the noble house they are in. He cancelled Slug Club tonight! Hooray again again! I'm going to find James and check out whether he is still as good at kissing as I remember.


	4. Chapter 4: Week 4

_A/N_

_Bit of a short chapter this one – nothing much happened week four! The next two will be longer._

_By the way, a review or two would be nice – I know it hasn't been up here that long but someone is reading so … even if you hate it could you tell me why please?_

**Chapter Four: Week Four**

**Saturday 19th November**

Spent the morning with Jenny and Alice talking Death Eaters. Not a fun topic of conversation I know but one we talk of a lot these days. You-Know-Who is gaining so much support and power. People are afraid to oppose him. A talked about how worried she was for Frank. I talked about how worried I was for my family. J talked about how worried she was for her friends and brother. Apparently her brother, Harvey and a friend of theirs are doing something really dangerous involving Death Eaters and she hasn't heard anything from them since she has been here. She doesn't even know if they are alive or dead. What a scary situation.

This afternoon I was speaking to James about it all but he was just joking around. I don't understand him sometimes. Sometimes he can be so sensitive and other times act like a complete prat. What is with that?

Nice thing happened this afternoon though. That little first year Hufflepuff boy who had been attacked by those bullies so many times came up to me and thanked me for what we did on Thursday. He said he hadn't told anyone before because he didn't think he'd be believed but that now if anything happened he would come straight to a prefect or me. That was really sweet. I felt like I'd really done something to help someone and it made me feel good. He told me it was his birthday next week and his parents had promised him an owl and he was going to call it Lily, which I thought was lovely and really embarrassing at the same time. After all I'm Head Girl and I should have noticed something was going on earlier.

**Monday 21st November**

More Death Eater attacks – striking quite close to home now. One of the fourth year Hufflepuffs got called away yesterday and we read in the paper today her parents have been killed. That's the third student this term to lose one or both parents. I've written to Mum and Dad asking them to keep an eye out for anything odd and to let someone know immediately if something seems wrong. I haven't told them the full details – I don't want to worry them too much. That's the problem isn't it though, how much do I tell them to try and keep them safe without scaring them too much?

**Wednesday 23rd November**

The weather has turned colder. I went for a walk with James this evening down by the lake and we had to keep close together for warmth. That's our excuse anyway. You know I could quite get used to this kissing thing.

**Thursday 24th November**

Love Jenny! She looked at Snape like he was a complete toad today when she heard him call a third year student Mudblood. She said "A half blood pretending to be a pure-blood while insulting Muggle-borns, how pathetic!" I didn't know Snape was a half-blood – I always assumed he was a pure-blood but she must have been right because he turned a kind of horrible green colour in the face and went away very quickly.

**Friday 25th November**

Weird evening. Jenny is kind of astute, she knows stuff and she seems to have thought of stuff that no one else has – well no one I know anyway. All of us at our end of the table were discussing the recent Death Eater attacks – nothing new there I suppose. Jenny was being really quiet until she snapped. She told us all to stop saying You-Know and start using his real name because he wants us to be scared of him. If we are too scared to know his name he has already won before we start fighting.

She's right of course; it is silly to be scared of a name. Martin, one of the sixth years, knows some French and we worked out that Voldemort means flight from or flee from death. This, as Jenny pointed out, is rather feeble of him to name himself after what he is frightened of. I was talking to James afterwards (well we did some talking in amongst the snogging!) and we decided that she was right and we were both going to use his name from now onwards. Voldemort. It feels ever so funny saying it. James left early, as it is full moon tonight.

I sat in the common room and talked with some of the sixth years. You know in lots of ways they are a much more sensible bunch than my year. Benjy, for example, is kind of witty but also very clued up as to what is going on outside the castle walls. Alice is too (well she would be with Frank). Martin reminds me a lot of Fabian Prewitt (he did his NEWTS a couple of years ago – he was my first real crush when I arrived here!). Not that I fancy Martin or anything, they don't look at all alike just sound alike sometimes. Oh that sounded so shallow – I don't go just for looks, it's just. Oh I'm putting this all wrong I better just end here!


	5. Chapter 5: Week 5

**Chapter Five: Week Five**

**Saturday 26th November**

Today's horrible incident: Alice got a letter from Frank. His mentor, the Auror who has been training him, was killed last week. F is in shock but sounds more determined than ever to succeed in becoming an Auror. James seemed really upset about it. He said some really kind things to Alice and said he'd write to Frank expressing sympathy. I saw the letter he wrote and have copied a bit of it here:

I know I irritated you a lot in school. You were so serious and I was so, well, not serious. But please believe me when I say I know how you're feeling at the moment and I understand and sympathise. I also really admire what you are doing. It takes great skill and courage and the fact that there are people like you out there, fighting for what's right gives me hope for the future.

You see this is the contradiction that is James. Sometimes he just knows what to say, sometimes he seems to know and understand what is going on, but at other times he acts like nothing is serious at all. I love having fun with him, truly I do but it is the other James that I think I could really care about. Oh I don't know. It's confusing – he's confusing. I think part of me is still holding out for that knight in shining armour who is going to come into my life and this world and make everything better. Isn't that pathetic and girly? I stopped believing in fairy tales a long time ago, didn't I?

Alice told me she wants to become an Auror too. That kind of surprised me; I mean Alice is so Alice although that doesn't make any sense to anyone who doesn't know her. She said she hasn't told anyone else yet. She told me because she wanted to ask me for help with her potions NEWT as she is having trouble. I said of course and I'm going to tutor her, starting Tuesday. I don't know what I want to do after school yet. That's kind of stupid since I haven't that long to go.

Today's funny incident: sitting in the common room watching Sirius try and flirt with Jenny. Jenny has a bit of a wicked sense of humour and he was getting nowhere. It really did release the tension though.

**Sunday 27th November**

Jenny knows about Remus' W thing! The two of us were sat at breakfast this morning when the boys came down. They were talking about calling Voldemort by his name (R hadn't been there on Friday evening because of W) and Jenny just blurted it out. The look on her face when she realised what she'd done! She kept apologising to him for being an idiot and looked so upset. R just laughed and said he didn't mind her knowing, as they were friends now. She went kind of quiet at that. I don't think she had thought she'd find friends at Hogwarts but she has. We all like her, she is fun and smart and witty and she knows stuff. I know she is sad a lot of the time but she doesn't sink into it, she doesn't brood. And how clever is she? It took me ages to work out about R's W thing and she has been here one month and she guessed.

Jenny gives good advice too. Alice and I were talking about her becoming an Auror and Jenny joined us. Alice was having doubts that she was good enough but Jenny told her that she'd know what the right thing to do was and that nothing should stop her doing it. You know sometimes if I believed in divination, I'd say Jenny was a seer, as she sometimes seems to know things before they happen. That sounds stupid and I can't provide any concrete examples it's just that nothing seems to surprise her

BTW James is keeping something from me. I think it has to do with R and the full moon. The other boys are always busy on full moon nights but I know they can't be with R for obvious reasons. I've decided to let them keep their secret – for the moment. J will tell me at some point, I have absolutely no doubt about that. I mentioned this at September's full moon (just checked back).

**Tuesday 29th November**

You know Alice is better at potions than she thinks – she just lacks confidence with them. I broke down the instructions for her, step by step and she did absolutely fine. I think she is going to make a great Auror, I really do.

I had a talk with McGonagall today about how worried I was for my parents. She was quite understanding really but it's not like there is anything that anyone can do. I think I just needed to talk. I felt better about it all even though she hadn't really provided any comfort. I think just being able to tell an adult how I feel makes a difference. Had really frustrating conversation with the other seventh year girls afterwards. I was trying to talk about the future, about the war that is going on and nothing. Absolutely nothing. Carly actually said, "I don't like to talk about horrible things, let's change the subject. Is James a good kisser?" I mean really, as if I'm going to tell her!

Later that evening, in a break from snogging, James asked me if I fancied a night out on Friday. Turns out, he and the boys are thinking of sneaking out to the 3Bs and wondered if anyone else would like to come along. I'm not sure – I'm Head Girl and I shouldn't really be sneaking out at night, setting a bad example. It might be fun though. No. I'm not going. Definitely not going.

**Wednesday 30th November**

How can I go really? What if we got caught? McGonagall would be furious and I don't need to hear another lecture about the responsibilities of being Head Girl like I did that time in October she caught me and James snogging in the Charms classroom. It was so humiliating, honestly it was. McGonagall can be terrifying when she is "disappointed". No, I'd be better off not going. So I won't.

**Thursday 1st December**

Alice said she's going and she's the 6th year prefect! But I'm Head Girl and that is kind of different so I'm definitely not going. And I've told James I'm not going so I won't change my mind.

**Friday 2nd December**

OK I went. And we got caught but not in that way. I think I'm a little drunk actually. And a little scared. Scratch that, a lot scared. Because some Death Eaters came tonight too.

It started out in a fun way. Sirius suggested, ever so casually (as if it hadn't been planned out beforehand by that lot) a drink to celebrate 2nd December. Nine of us went: James, The other three, Alice, Jenny, Benjy and Martin. Oh and me. We were sat at a table in the corner (somehow I suspect that Madam R was expecting us). Benjy was doing a very funny impersonation of McGonagall when Death Eaters came in! Second time this has happened to me in not much over a month. The whole pub went quiet – it was really scary. I was sat there waiting for someone to do something – there were only 5 of them and I thought the adults would, you know, stand up or something. But it wasn't the adults who stood up. It was Jenny.

Have I mentioned how much of a Gryffindor she really is? She doesn't seem scared of anything although she says she is scared. She called them all playground bullies and they didn't like that at all. One of them hit her with the Cruciatus curse and I couldn't help it, I jumped up and cursed him myself. I wasn't the only one though. Everyone at our table and loads of the adults cursed him at the same time – he looked a real mess. We all turned towards the other 4 Death Eaters and they apparated away. One of them shot a curse at Jenny first though and knocked her unconscious.

Madam R floo-called Dumbledore and Madam P came and took Jenny to the hospital wing. We all followed. She was fine, the Death Eater hadn't hurt her much at all and Madam P said she would be fine by tomorrow.

We are all in trouble for sneaking out though.

We were talking in the Hospital wing and James asked why she had done it, as the Death Eaters might not have noticed us in the corner. She said something strange then. Well not really strange but, I guess, something I'd kind of thought but never really put into words. She quoted Edmund Burke – I didn't know anyone at Hogwarts had read any muggle philosophy except me. She said that all of us have to stand up and say "no" when we see things that are wrong because otherwise Voldemort will win without a fight. She also talked about us working together. She said, "One voice might not make a difference but the lack of one voice might." Which was kind of true

Her Harvey sounds a fantastic guy. She said he was really brave and always put himself between danger and others without even thinking and that she wasn't brave because she had to come up with a reason to do it first. I think she is brave though; she's the bravest person I've ever met. I didn't realise that things were as bad in New Zealand as they are here but they must be or Jenny wouldn't be the way she is.

She's back in the dorms tonight so she must be fine or Madam P would have kept her overnight. We helped her upstairs to the 6th form girls dorm and she fell straight asleep.

I was talking a bit to James afterwards. We were talking about what Jenny had said. He sounded really serious (for James) and told me he wasn't sure he was brave enough to do what she had done. It's the first time I think I've ever heard him admit to anything like that. He has always acted so arrogant about stuff, as if he doesn't care. I guess he is just as scared, as I am deep down.

You know even with the Death Eaters coming, and how frightening that was; and even with the trouble we are going to be in tomorrow from McGonagall, I'm still glad I went. That is really stupid isn't it?


	6. Chapter 6: Week 6

**Chapter Six: Week Six**

**Saturday 3rd December**

McGonagall is furious. We knew she would be. We've lost 200 house points (20 each for individual stupidity and another 20 for group stupidity). And we've all got detentions. It could have been worse though. McGonagall thinks the Death Eater incident has taught us all a lesson. I guess it has taught us a lesson, but not about sneaking out or breaking school rules. It's taught us a lesson about what can be achieved when we work together, and what can be achieved when we stand up and say "we don't like this, stop it now!"

James has been very quiet today. With any normal person I'd say it's because of getting into trouble but I know James and I know that's not him. I suggested we went out for a walk but he didn't feel like it. I suggested that we play a game of chess but he said that he wasn't in the mood and perhaps Remus would play with me! Well James Potter I don't know. I never thought I'd see the day that you didn't want to spend time with me!

Perhaps he's gone off me? I mean, he is a nice kisser and I'll miss that but it's not like I saw any future in it so it wouldn't be the end of the world if he had would it? So why does that thought make me feel so funny? I know I joke about how much I like being adored but I'm not really that shallow am I? And James is nice enough and everything but he isn't the be all and end all of my life. So why do I feel so horrid at the thought that he might not want to be with me any more?

Oh I really have slipped up with my recent diary entries and have started writing as if I'm talking to a person. Note to self: must stop being girly.

**Sunday 4th December**

James hasn't gone off me – or else he is really good at faking still liking me! Actually I was kind of relieved about that which is silly and I was very enthusiastic with my snogging this evening. Very enthusiastic.

Had a really nice walk around the grounds with Jenny today. It's odd, she has been here just a few weeks and I feel like she has already become a closer friend than any of the girls in my year. Well I suppose that's not that much of a compliment given the girls in my year but still. Remus joined us for part of the walk. You know she really has reacted well to the whole W thing with him. Most people at least have a moment's pause when they find out – I know I did. But Jenny, it's like she has always known. I guess it must be that Werewolf teacher she had once. I think he's had quite an influence on her.

We talked a lot about friendship. She said a few odd things that do make sense but I don't know why she said them. Like about R and Sirius and James, how they are such good friends that they mustn't ever forget that. She didn't mention Peter; I guess she forgot. It's so easy to forget Peter sometimes, he isn't much of a personality and can't really compete with the other three who are such personalities that they kind of overwhelm him. I can't help thinking he'd be better off if he was friends with some of the more ordinary students.

We saw Snape wandering around but as soon as he saw us he headed off in a different direction. Can't help feeling pleased about that. I think he is avoiding Jenny, he has been less apparent since she has been here and told him off so thoroughly.

James hasn't gone off me – hooray! It's gone midnight now so I better get some sleep. I'm going to snuggle into my blankets and listen to the wind howling outside and dream of warm lips touching mine!

**Monday 5th December**

I hate Featherstonehaugh! Hate him hate him hate him! Why did we have to get such a useless DADA professor for our final year! Sirius said that Jenny said that when she had had a useless professor once they started a club to teach themselves and that her Harvey taught them. Have I mentioned how funny Sirius is when he says that name? He says it with such contempt honestly! I wonder if we should do the same? Not say Harvey's name like that, I mean start our own lessons. Jenny is really good so maybe she'd teach us? I'll have to think about that and ask her.

**Tuesday 6th December**

Jenny said she won't teach us as she doesn't know enough and besides she isn't sure how much longer she is going to be here! I didn't really think about her going. I guess it never registered before that she was only here temporarily. I know she wants to find out how Harvey is (and her brother and her friend) but I'm going to miss her when she does go. Being selfish I know. She says she isn't sure when that is going to be and that Dumbledore is trying to find out. That seems a little odd to me but I know there is stuff she isn't telling us so I guess it's related to that.

Alice was studying like mad tonight – she is determined to do well in her potions class tomorrow – determined to give old Slughorn a surprise. Jenny and I sat and played Wizards Chess for a bit. I told her what I've said before, about being worried for my parents and she said she understood. Her friend Hermia is Muggle-born too and she said Hermia was always talking about how concerned she was that they couldn't protect themselves. She says Hermia barely goes and sees them during school holidays any more because she thinks it might be dangerous for them if she was there. That never occurred to me really. I guess it's too late to worry about that now. I'm 17 and I can do magic outside of school so in a way I think they'd be better off if I was there because I can at least call for help if something happens. Of course that does mean I can't go and stay with James over Christmas – he asked me today.

Actually talking about parents, how can you be so concerned for them one minute and so frustrated with them the next? I had a letter from Mum this evening. She is dropping major hints about meeting James. Honestly, parents! James and my parents, they are from different worlds. The idea of those worlds meeting is just wrong. I don't know what it is with her. For the last couple of years she has been obsessed with meeting my friends. Very irritating.

I think I might go and stay with James over Christmas. Well, perhaps for some of the time. My parent's can't really complain – I mean I'm 17 now, of age. And it's not like they understand anything about my life anyway.

**Thursday 8th December**

James really is a fantastic kisser when he puts his mind to it.

**Saturday 10th December**

Jenny has gone!

We'd been out for a walk and talking about boys. Boys specific not boys general. I was talking about how Harvey sounded like such a hero and how James wasn't and that I wasn't sure if James and I were meant to be together. We came back to the castle because we were getting cold and then we bumped into this strange man. He looked really scary – he was tall, with long red hair, and had scars all over his face. I was going to call for a teacher but Jenny ran straight to him and threw herself in his arms. It turns out he is Jenny's older brother.

He went to see Dumbledore and Jenny and I went back to the tower so she could say goodbye to people. Only Remus and James were in the common room so I dashed off to get the other girls while James got the boys. She said goodbye to all of us. As I hugged her goodbye she said to me "Love comes in all shapes and sizes Lily. Good men, brave men, heroes and true loves. Trust me. Don't reject the love that comes your way." I'm not completely sure what she was trying to tell me. She said something to everyone. James won't tell me what she said to him – mind you I won't tell him what she said to me either.

After she left by Portkey, Sirius said, "I still think Harvey is a stupid name though!" and we all laughed – but not for very long.

Remus asked who it was who had come to collect her, I told him it was her brother. Peter said, "I wonder where he got the scars on his face." And Benjy replied "There's a war on, it could be anywhere." Makes you think. I looked at James and tried to imagine those sort of scars on his face. I don't really want to think about it.

We all kind of sat in a group quietly afterwards. No one really knew what to say. She's only been here six weeks but she has become so much of a part of our lives. I'm really going to miss her. So are the others I think. Remus was practically crying when she left and Sirius just sat there with a frown on his face staring into space. James came and sat next to me and put his arm round me. We all sat there for the longest time. Just saying nothing.


	7. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

**Saturday 10th June 1978**

I'm in love with James! How come I never realised it before? I think I was looking so hard at what he isn't that I didn't notice what he is. I've been doing the girly thing – the thing I despise. I've been looking for a knight in shining armour to rush in on his white steed and save the day. Looking so far into the distance I couldn't see what was in front of me.

James disappeared in the afternoon. No one knew where he was which is unusual. Turned out he'd been to see Dumbledore. There's this group, he told us afterwards, this group that is dedicated to fighting Voldemort. He's asked Dumbledore if he can join. It was when he told us that I realised. It made sense what Jenny had said to me last year. Love comes in all shapes and sizes, and so do heroes. James may not be the tragic hero of legend, he may laugh and joke about but he knows. He knows what is right and he is going to fight for it.

I told him I loved him. Right there and then in the middle of the common room and in front of his friends. I told him. When he held me and kissed me tonight it was different. Because I love this man with my whole being and now I'm finally admitting it. Tomorrow I'm going to talk to Dumbledore and ask if I can join the group too. Because I am one of the good people and I am not going to let evil triumph while I sit and watch. And when I said goodnight to James before coming up to bed tonight, I saw a glint of shining armour and I'd almost swear I heard a horse whinny in the background. I guess I do believe in fairy tales still. And I am never ever going to tell anyone that.

**Friday 12th January 1979**

I can't believe I'm getting married tomorrow! How nervous should I be right now? Weird I'm not nervous at all. I just wish my mother were here. She was so excited about her youngest daughter getting married. I wish she could be alive to see it. I know it seems quick, we are only 18 and just finished school last year but I love James and he loves me. There is a war on and we are not going to wait.

It's going to be a quiet wedding. We don't feel much like celebrating really. My parents death just a couple of months ago, the constant danger we are in.

I wish Jenny could be here but Dumbledore said he didn't know where to find her. I think she knew this day was coming before I did. I hope she is all right, wherever she is, and that she is happy and safe with Harvey.

The wedding party is made up of old Gryffindors and Order of the Phoenix members. I must try not to giggle when I see Moody in his dress robes – as incongruous as that sounds. This is a serious occasion. But not, as James so rightly pointed out earlier, a Sirius occasion, he may be best man but it's our day! Alice is my maid of honour and in a few months I' serving as her matron of honour because she and Frank are getting married as soon as she has finished with NEWTS. Carly has stated her intention of seducing Sirius after the ceremony – I'm sure she'll be successful but why? Oh I don't mean that in a bad way, I've had my difficulties with Sirius true, but we've kind of become friends now. It's just that a one-night stand is, to Sirius, just that and if she really wanted anything long term she'd have to go about it a completely different way.

My wedding dress is fantastic; I know I've said that before. It's kind of a combination between dress robes and a Muggle wedding dress. James is going to die when he sees me. Oh God I'm excited! I don't think I can sleep but I suppose I'd better try – don't want to walk down the aisle with dark circles under my eyes!

**Monday 29th December 1979**

That's three times now. Three times James and I have faced down Voldemort and said "No!" I'm sure that there is something significant in that but I don't know what. So now we are both in St Mungo's again. We are getting to be regular visitors – I know almost all the healers by name. Speaking of which, one is coming now so I better stop writing and pay attention.

Oh my God! I'm pregnant! The healer just told me. James, I've got to tell James but they've given him some dreamless sleep potion and he's not going to be awake for a while. Pregnant. A baby, I'm going to have a baby. I'm thinking back on dates and wondering why I haven't noticed until now – I guess being in a war makes you lose track of these things but I must be two months along now. A baby! Alice just told me yesterday that she was pregnant and now I am too! Well, OK I was pregnant yesterday too but I didn't know it so that doesn't count. Alice and I are going to have babies together – I wonder if they'll be friends?

Wow, a baby.

**Tuesday 4th August 1980**

I was watching Harry sleep today. Just sitting there watching him. Five days old and not a care in the world. My baby. Our baby. I'd give anything I could to make the world safe for him. Anything. He's so tiny. Such a tiny little bundle of potential. He woke up and looked straight at me. I picked him up and held him close and wondered; what kind of man was he going to grow up to be? Then I looked at him, no question. "You are going to be a hero little Harry, just like your Daddy."


End file.
